


Fighting So Hard To Hide Our Fear That We're Scaring Ourselves

by revenblue



Series: [collection] but you keep spinning 'round me just the same (Perryshmirtz) [92]
Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, POV Second Person, Perry has unspoken trauma from his training, Perry's loved ones go out of their way to avoid his triggers, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, characters and relationships listed in order of appearance, unconditional emotional support
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-03
Updated: 2020-02-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:47:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22538014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/revenblue/pseuds/revenblue
Summary: Secret agent training leaves its marks.
Relationships: Ferb Fletcher & Phineas Flynn & Perry the Platypus, Heinz Doofenshmirtz & Perry the Platypus
Series: [collection] but you keep spinning 'round me just the same (Perryshmirtz) [92]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/746841
Comments: 20
Kudos: 175





	Fighting So Hard To Hide Our Fear That We're Scaring Ourselves

Living with your host family is nothing like you'd been taught it would be.

Your owners, two boys as brilliant as the day is long, quickly make themselves a space in your heart despite your training, and you can't bring yourself to mind. Why would you? Their love for you is unconditional, something you've never had before, and the feeling's mutual.

Which only makes it worse the day one of them comes up behind you one day without warning.

As soon as his fingers brush along your shoulders you've spun around, barely keeping a hold on your cover identity, nostrils flaring and instincts screaming about _danger_. But there's only Ferb, your _owner_. You can't hurt him, you can't afford for them to take you _back_ , you have to run-

Cowering under the coffee table, you shake, willing your heart to calm down.

There shouldn't be any reason for you to _panic_. You're with your host family, in your cover identity, there shouldn't be any danger here. And panicking like this is against your training.

"And he just ran under the table?" Phineas says as Ferb leads him inside through the side door, and you focus on the sound of his voice as he moves closer. He's not bothering to hide his footsteps. _Neither_ of them are, and somehow that's the most reassuring part. "I hope he's okay."

You're not. That much is obvious, if they'd just _look_.

Kneeling by the edge of the table, he bends down, smiling at you. "Are you scared, boy? Look at him, Ferb, he's terrified. I guess he doesn't like being snuck up on."

"I wouldn't either, if I were a platypus," Ferb adds, joining him.

You back away, still shaking, not looking away. Waiting for them to grab you by the scruff of the neck, like your superiors did when you misbehaved as a pup, before you'd been trained to fight. But your owners _don't_. They don't reach for you, they don't follow you under, all they do is stare.

"Yeah," Phineas says, after what feels like an eternity. "Come on, Ferb, let's get him some treats. That might help him feel better." Then they're gone.

Dropping your cover for a moment, you wipe your paws over your face in exhaustion. As if you needed any more proof your boys are amazing. It's _just like them_ to look at _your_ weakness and decide _they're_ the ones at fault, and you know you should hate them for it but all you feel is relief.

* * *

From that point on, Ferb makes a point of heavy footfalls whenever he's around you, so you're not taken by surprise again. It's a small change, subtle, but clearly deliberate. You wish you could thank him properly.

Phineas, thankfully, has always been easy to locate. Always talking, always moving, always creating. The sound of his booming voice had quickly became background noise for you, even down in your lair. It's a good enough indicator, when he's not in one of his sombre moods, quietly frowning his way through the house with Ferb by his side. The two are inseparable, and Ferb will more than make up for his brother's uncharacteristic silence.

How could you _not_ adore them?

* * *

You'd really thought it would be different with your nemesis. After all, he's _supposed_ to trap you, fight you, hurt you. Exactly what you'd been trained for.

So why is your heart pounding?

He'd tapped you on your shoulder, you'd _punched_ him, that's _normal_ , that's your _job_. But you'd punched him too hard. Blood drips from his nose, and you should be better than this. He stares, eyes flicking from your fist to your eyes to your tail, expression unreadable, achingly silent. He's _never_ silent, not like this. A flash of _something_ crosses his face, too fast to read, and then he's clutching his nose and howling in pain.

The rest of the thwarting had been achingly normal, as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. Had it? All you'd done, in the end, was punch him, like every other day.

* * *

Nothing changes after that. He schemes, you stop him, day saved.

* * *

It takes you an embarrassingly long time to figure out what _did_ change that day. Since then, he's never once come up behind you without at least some indication of his presence. Usually a monologue. He wouldn't be _Heinz_ if he wasn't monologuing, and that's probably why you took so long to notice.

After all, this is your _nemesis_. You've gotten to know him fairly well over the course of your nemesisship, between thwarting him and the backstories he's chosen to share with you.

Or at least you'd _thought_ you had. Now, with everything falling into place, you're not so sure.

"How do you feel about a birthday party?" he'd asked, as you'd settled in beside him for your regular movie night. "I know it's your _birthday_ soon, and Norm suggested- Well, he suggested a _surprise_ party but I told him _no_ , Perry the Platypus doesn't _like_ surprises, you've got to let him know what to _expect_." He'd said it so casually, like the concept was familiar to him, _ordinary_ , and the only time he could have found out is when _you'd_ slipped up. When you'd punched him too hard.

Pulling your punches is second-nature. Hit just hard enough to stop your nemesis, let him scheme again the next day, that was what your _training_ had focused on. Sure, your superiors had framed it more along the lines of avoiding a lawsuit over medical bills, but it worked out the same in the end.

You're still ashamed of forgetting that, _once_. Just once.

A prod at your arm and you jump, holding back just before you lash out at him. You're off the clock, spending time with him as a _friend_ , not as a nemesis, punching him wouldn't be _right_. "Sorry, Perry the Platypus, didn't mean to startle you there." Concern deepens the lines on his face as he reaches out. "It's just..." He hesitates, hand hovering over your shoulder like he's afraid to touch you. "I don't mean to _judge_ , but, you look like you're having a _flashback_ and that's not _like_ you. Was it something I said? It was, wasn't it?"

Shaking the residual worry out of your thoughts, you flash him a weak smile, pulling his hand the rest of the way to your fur. Typical Heinz, finding some way to blame himself.

"They're a lot easier to deal with when you _share_ them, you know," he grumbles, squeezing gently, his thumb aligned with the rest of his fingers. Is that deliberate too? "I get it, it's not your _thing_ to talk how you feel, but it really does help. Look how often I tell you _mine_. And, well, I'm not _evil_ any more, for one thing. Which is _your_ fault, by the way, for _listening_. No one's ever _listened_ before. Charlene-" He cuts himself off with a sigh. "It wasn't great, I'll tell you that much. Maybe I'll give you that whole monologue someday. Or maybe I won't, who knows? The point is, I had no idea how much I _needed_ that until _you_ came along - hold on, I'm going somewhere with this - and I'm starting to think it goes _both_ ways. Not the _monologuing_ thing, you don't monologue, but everything else. _You're_ getting something out of _this_ -" Using his other hand, he gestures at the space between you. "-and that's why you still _show up_. Something _I'm_ doing is helping _you_ feel better. And I- I'm _honoured_ , Perry the Platypus. That you'd come to _me_ for... I have no idea what it _is_ but _obviously_ it's _working_ , you'd tell me if it _wasn't_ , right? Right!"

You roll your eyes, unable to help your smile. He means every word. That much is obvious, after all the time you've known him, both as a nemesis and afterwards. There's a sincerity to his voice you can't help but believe, always _have_ believed. No wonder you'd found it so easy to _trust_ him in the beginning. Even now, with his hand so close to your throat, you find yourself relaxing into his firm grip, certain he won't hurt you. He's told you as much, in the weight of his hand on your shoulder.

Does it matter if it's all a conscious choice? Or is it enough to know he'll do this for you at all? The latter, you think. He, like Ferb, has taken that burden upon himself, listening to everything you can't tell him, the instinctive panic you're still ashamed you feel. Around him, it's not a problem. _You're_ not a problem. For that, and so much more, you've come to adore him too.

You'd thank him, if you could. If you knew where to start.

With one more squeeze of your shoulder, he grins at you, as if he hasn't just pulled your world out from under your feet. "You're looking better," he says, pulling his hand back. The warmth of him lingers on your fur. "More _comfortable_. Did your internal monologue help? That's what that was, right?" Loath as you are to admit to any sort of monologuing, he's not wrong. "I hope you've got it all out of your _system_ , by the way, because it's about to start." And, like that, everything's normal again.

**Author's Note:**

> Title from [Slip Out The Back](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=14xuTwMYc1E) by Fort Minor.
> 
> I never did figure out where Candace could fit into this whole thing. Maybe she's loud and stompy enough that Perry never got caught off-guard around her and that's part of why he goes out of his way to curl up on her bed sometimes? Because he trusts her?
> 
> Perryshmirtz server in series description, you don't need to ship it romantically to join.


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